I woke to a horrid groggy hang over yet without the alcohol the night
before. I groped in the dark to sit down and be catapulted into reality.
The sight of blood was a harsh reminder of the trauma of the day before. “What? Where am I? Oh,
no…oh, no. NOOOOO!!!!” I panted under my breath and then slowly outloud, “James!” “James, help, where’s my baby? What happened ? Oh gosh, it’s not a dream. He died didn’t he? “
My husband came
to me as I began to shake with grief.
Realizing I was in this dry, stale hospital room, I regained composure
and asked my husband to help us pack up and get out of there as quickly as
possible. I was on the verge of a
barbaric yawp and uncontrolled weeping and needed the safety of my own home to
fall apart.
Darkness descended on my soul and I was undone. William was 5 months old in utero when
he died. His big 2 year old
brother never got to meet him. No
medical reasons were found. He had
my pug nose and my husband’s long fingers. His body was tiny but all intact. Delivery was brutal.
We chose to have him cremated and said yes to my parents’ idea of
burying him in my Mom’s beautiful butterfly garden. Their stability would create a space I could visit to grieve
and heal with time.
Beauty and pain have a way of piercing the human heart like
nothing else.
William died the day after I finished my last exam to
complete my BA in English. I was
still contemplating a job outside the home. I was aware of how the stress of finishing college with a
husband, toddler and home to care for affected my unborn baby. Not to mention I had been diagnosed
with a chronic disease 4 years before.
That was 8 years ago.
As I look back, I see how William’s death forced my life into one of
intentionality. Of choosing wisely
what and who to say “yes” to.
Even more so what and who to say “no” to. I said no to a job outside my home and yes to a one income, Grocery
Outlet shopping lifestyle and living in a rental with orange shaggy carpet so
that I could allow my heart to fully do one job well- mothering.
Sweet William taught me at 25 that life
is short and that really it’s all just gifts I’m living with.
I am a steward of the children He gives.
Williams life was snuffed out before I got to play peek a boo with him, read
him stories, rub his bald head and kiss his baby cheeks. His death set me free to say early on
in my life, “I can’t do it all- be the superwoman of the 21st
century.” And even more so, it
allowed me to say yes to God’s whispers upon my heart to ‘love well, to love
loudly” with these gifts of children and this husband he has entrusted me with
this side of heaven.
This is Jed.
He was born just one year after William. Jed’s baby picture is beside William’s
hand & feet prints in my hallway with ——–on it, “He will not return to
me, but I will go to him.” 2 Samuel 12:23. Bonding
was slow with Jed, as his birth did not bring William back, and forced me to
say goodbye even more deeply to my child I won’t get to love on this earth.
I did have a
dream- a gift from God- that helped me further release William and thus embrace
Jed for who he was. In my dream, I
saw William as a toddler with curly hair running and climbing onto the lap of
a lady and being rocked and sung to quietly. The sound of her angelic voice let me know it was a woman I admired from
years before who wasn’t able to conceive children at the time. I woke peaceful, satisfied that God did
have a purpose for William’s life in heaven as well as for me here on earth. I didn’t understand totally but the
image of William being tenderly loved brought comfort and I was ready to keep
on living
This is the first time I have written about this chapter in
the story of my life.
It still
aches when I get close to it.
Yet,
yet….William’s life shapes mine today in huge, clear ways. I would rather have his little self to
love in our family in a heartbeat… but Wow, how differently I have lived the
past 8 years and thus sucked the marrow out of life! I share in hopes to move your heart toward embracing the
things that matter to you this side of heaven.
Today, I do work from home and own my own business that
the kids are involved in, I get to love, teach, and train 4 healthy kids, and
respect and support one awesome husband. I put my hands to numerous tasks, but
my favorites are choosing good books to fill our home with, caring for animals and slowly learning to grow our food; writing, speaking, daring others to
live fully out of all God made them to be and all things spur of the moment and accompanied by vanilla chais.
-to licking the bowl clean
-to sitting in my lap
-to the people in front of me instead of always on the phone/computer
-to tickle tortures
-to the work in front of me of feeding bellies with yummy
food to help brains & bodies grow
-to beekeeping with my oldest son even though it scares me
sometimes
-to daily moving a chicken coop so my Jed can feed and love chickens
-to letting my Abby help make bread even tho it would be faster
if I did it all by myself
-to a dirtier house than I’d like sometimes because people
make messes
-to Father’s whispers to slow down, to take naps, to go for
walks and remember that I am not a robot but a human who has desires and needs.
-to setting rhythms and routines in our home that bring
life, beauty, order to our days
What do you say “Yes” to?
What do you want to say “YES” to more and are you willing to
say “No” to other things or people in order to do that?
Blessings on your journey, fellow traveler, as you make
choices in the chapters of your story that will impact the life stories of
those around you.
About Amanda Walters