It was the dead of winter in the West Village of New York City the night my first son was born. He did not enter the world easily, and after almost two days of extreme physical exertion, pain, and sleeplessness , my husband and I were both exhausted. Delirious, really.
The next 72 hours of our hospital stay were a bit of a blur. My family had not yet arrived, and my weak body was not ready to receive visitors. I was uncomfortable and longed for my home.
The doctors decided to keep our baby a few more days, but my husband and I were instructed to check out and make room for others.
Fortunately, a kind nurse took pity, ushering us down a hall to an old room no longer in use. She said that we would be “off the radar” and that they would call at nursing time.
We ordered Chinese food and pulled up a movie on our computer. There we lay, curled up together on a twin-size hospital bed as the snow fell outside. The room felt cold and dark. My sore body could hardly move.
When my husband stepped out for a few moments I lay there in the quiet, all alone.
Truthfully, my heart was sinking. I felt trapped.
I mourned the loss of life with just my husband. I already missed the independence and freedom we enjoyed for almost five years.
What I really wanted was to go somewhere with only him and return to normal life.
The pulls and demands of this child held me captive.
Of course I loved our baby beyond belief, and I wasn’t truly wishing him away. But in those dark moments I was straddling two worlds: the past and the present. I was trying, impossibly, to exist in both. I had to make the final jump. I had to let go of the old and fully embrace the new.
So I did. And I’ve never prayed so much in my entire life as I did over those next few days, weeks and months.
The nursing pain, the sleepless haze, and war wounds from birth- all tangible reflections of the state of my heart as well. The transition into life with a baby was not quite the smooth, cuddly one I had envisioned. I longed for the comforts of my old life which possessed some semblance of control.
I prayed through the colic, the seemingly unending crying, and I asked God what I could learn from it all. I clung to his promises.
The Lord was near and words like these from 2 Corinthians came to mind frequently:
“My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness.”
Little has changed circumstantially since then, but God has graciously been at work in my heart. He has allowed me to feel such fulfillment and joy in this work. I consider each day with my children a priceless treasure.
I sometimes find myself grasping for my former independence. Those moments point me toward the eternal reality that my life is not my own, but Christ’s. I am his. In his grace, he has given me to the devoted service and love of my family – as a wife, and as a mother.
And that’s part of the beautiful and painful journey of motherhood.
It’s about refinement and sacrifice. It’s about recognizing my inability and selfishness, and then pressing hard onward, completely enveloped in His grace.
So today when a trail of little ones follows me into the bathroom at a moment when privacy would be nice, when a tantrum rings out in the grocery store, when the coveted nap time evades us entirely, I still celebrate motherhood.
I celebrate the incredible gifts God has given in these children.
And I celebrate the way he makes me more Christlike by the grace and strength only he can provide.
About Katy Rose
This article is so true, really encouraged me today. Thanks for your beautiful writing!
I really appreciate it, Sally. Thank you!
Katy, I could have totally written this post, down to the snowy night in NY.
My introduction to motherhood was not smooth,and I do understand the pain of straddling the two lives. I remember thinking about my first baby: "I want her back in there!" LOL. Thanks for sharing your heart so beautifully here!
Thank you so much, Andrea! And I can’t wait to hear what you have to share as well.
I also had such difficulty transitioning to motherhood. I was fresh out of college, newly married, never even really held a baby before in my life. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I remember when my first born was about three months old, looking back at her in the rear view mirror, smiling, and thinking, "Oh! I DO love her!" I wasn’t really sure before. She’s 9 now with three younger siblings, and I still struggle with fully embracing motherhood. But I’m working on it! And I’m really glad to have this new space to come to for encouragement.
Gail, thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciate your openness and honesty, as I know other women do as well. God is so gracious in our weakness. We are so delighted to have you here!
Tonight my youngest son is on his first Boy Scout (meaning without his parents – he is on his own). I feel myself ready to leap into a new world (teenagers) and wanting to linger a bit longer in the world of childhood.
There are so many mixed emotions still!! The positive is that my husband and I have more time together like we did before children. It is different yet still fun and exciting.
God has been so good to us and blessed us with two boys (ages almost 13 and almost 11).
Annette, So glad to have you here! We all have so much to learn from each other.
My son has been battling allergies for the past week and hasn’t slept nearly at all. I needed to read this. Thank you for posting such great things!! I really look forward to reading your blog daily and finding strength in Him.
Hilary, thank you so much for joining us! I hope your son feels better very soon, and I hope you get some sleep! That can be so difficult.
Such a true story of motherhood. It’s easy during difficult phases to think back to how easy we thought we had it before the first child and then when the second comes along how much easier it was with just one child. Yet, you wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Dayna, you’re exactly right. So glad to have you here today!
I can totally relate! I have 9 children ages 21 down to 5, we’ve always homeschooled, and all are still at home. I’ve been out of the baby/toddler stage for a bit now and do miss it! Thought I’d never say that, but I do! I’ve learned to look at motherhood in seasons. With our age ranges I’m in different seasons all at the same time! I’ve learned to embrace each one and enjoy them, even in the difficult ones, because we will never get them back once they are gone. Like Katy Rose states above these seasons are making me more Christlike and are helping me grow in His wisdom and knowledge. I’ve learned, through any circumstance, to be open to instruction by whatever means He provides. It’s not easy a lot of times, but if you have the mindset of openess to learn, even if it rubs you the wrong way, and embrace what the Lord has in store for you as the mother He has appointed to His heirs you will be blessed mightily!
Dawn, thank you for sharing! What a great reminder to be open to instruction. So glad to have you here!
Thanks so much for the beautiful way you wrote about the difference between the past & present and how you handled it. I found this post to really speak to me, I am in this place too at times. I really never thought about how it is for another person to experience that feeling, I guess I believed that for everyone else it was just easy to go from childless to mother. I am happy to have learned otherwise
- Michelle Growing Mama Sprouting Child
Michelle, isn’t it great to know you are not alone? That was a difficult period of transition for me, and I’ve heard similar stories from so many moms. Thank you for sharing. We’re so happy you’re here.
Katy, your words have helped me find the place I have found myself in over the past couple of years since Gabriel was born. Having Cienna on Maui was a dream for me but after moving around and now settling in CA the line between past and present has been difficult not to cross. Crossing it plunges me into a terrible mood at times and God’s grace is all I can stand on. I am happy to have found you – I had no idea you were writing. I am looking forward to reading more from you and being encouraged.
Maria
Maria! I loved seeing your name here. Thank you for briefly sharing your story too. I’d love to hear more. Thanks for reading, friend!
everything you wrote stirs up so much of me after birthing our firstborn…in regards to how difficult it was & the emotions. It wasn’t until our little one was 6 months old that I was ready to be a stay at home mama (although I had been there the whole time). Thank you for capturing this heart so well, while still focusing on what is good.
Kamille, thank you so much! I’m really excited to hear what you have to share as well.
Thank you for sharing your heart here. Beautifully captured moments that inspire me to embrace instead of cringe from the interruptions & frustrations that come with the territory of mothering. Grace & peace to you today- Amanda
Amanda, I look so forward to reading your thoughts as well! Thank you for your kind words.
Thank God for mercy at the hospital! As desperately as I wanted to become a Mom…I was not prepared for the sacrifices and letting go of the "old world". This caused frustration trying to fit back in to my part time work schedule soon after birth of the first child. Thank you for sharing your struggle, God’s word, and the blessings of your journey!
Thank you so much for sharing, Robin!
I had a very similar first birth experience. Thanks for putting it in words.
Thank you, Amy!
Beautiful post, Katy! Thanks for finding time with 2 little ones to share your heart with us, so we can be blessed as well from the things God’s teaching you through motherhood. I’m honored to call you friend!
Thank you for reading, friend! Can’t wait to learn from each other as He teaches us.
This is so vulnerable. I too was surprised by the conflicting emotions after my first childs birth and remember feeling such guilt. Love how you put this, " . . that’s part of the beautiful and painful journey of motherhood. It’s about refinement and sacrifice. It’s about recognizing my inability and selfishness, and then pressing hard onward, completely enveloped in His grace." Your transparent sharing is powerful. Thank you.
Kim, Thank you so much for sharing here, and for reading. I’m thankful for you!
This post was just what I needed today thank you! My first is 2 months old and I love her dearly, but this holiday season has been so overwhelming and I’ve found myself wishing my husband and I could sneak away and have our “old” routine back, and then feeling guilty for thinking that. You helped me realize this transition is just that a transition, not a change that comes overnight and I need to continue to turn it all over to the Lord and that his grace is what will get me through!