A picture of some of our gang this weekend in California, preparing for the conference and showing off our girlfriend heart rings!
Whenever women gather together, talk is abundant. At conference time, it’s always such a joy to sit together around a table with tea and coffee, exchanging stories and catching up. I love to hear tales of my friends children’s latest escapades, the new group another has started in her home, the answers to prayer someone else is experiencing. Friendship multiplies our joys and divides our grief, and you don’t have to look much further than a room full of ladies to see evidence of that!
While there are always fun stories to be shared, eventually, if we’re being honest, talk comes around to more difficult areas being faced. Someone’s father has just been diagnosed with cancer. A child is wayward. Financial difficulties loom. We have so many high hopes for all of life, don’t we? And yet more often than we like to admit, it just does not seem to measure up to our hopes; it is stressful and disappointing. When a person lives for a long time in difficult circumstances, anger can begin to overwhelm their personality.
Everyone wishes life were simple; that we could be happy all the time; that difficult things never happened. And yet, that’s not the case. I think it is so important to know that all of us experience anger and a sense of injustice at times, and that those times roll around much more often than we’d like to admit. Sometimes, we want to say, “I have been good and tried hard to please you, Lord– and this is what I get?!” We think that choosing right behavior should lead to a certain result.
Anger, I believe, quite often comes from disappointed expectations. We expected life or a person to behave in one way and it surprises us by behaving in just the opposite way from what we wanted it to or hoped that it would. The resulting anger can then lead to depression and despair. There are many things in this fallen world that can oppress our spirits and tempt us to give up, because the end results of our efforts are not as we would hope or expect.
So what is the key to not becoming an old grump with a permanently furrowed brow?
I think a large part of the answer comes in laying down our expectations.
When we have long lists of what we expect from those around us, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and broken relationships. This is true whether we’re talking about our husbands, our friends, our churches, our children, or even ourselves! If you think back to the last time you had a conflict with someone, you’ll probably discover that the root of it was an expectation of some sort—that they would act a certain way, perform a particular task, or provide for a need you had. It’s much the same with frustration at yourself—it is a result of expecting more than you’re able to give.
If we’re going to love well, we need to stop placing the burden of expectation on ourselves and those around us. We must ask the Lord to help us remember that life is difficult, people are imperfect, and He understands and will help us deal with both! In a broken world, bad things occur as a matter of course. If we accept the fact that while we live on this earth we will face the tribulation Jesus promised (!!) us, perhaps we can walk through our days leaning on Him and taking each moment as it comes; with an open hand ready to both give and receive, trusting in our Father to help us because He holds every day in His hands. We aren’t guaranteed health–even if we eat only the best foods and avoid sugar forever and never eat a cupcake again. We aren’t guaranteed to have plenty of money–even if we tithe and budget with the envelope system and pay every bill on time. We aren’t guaranteed a bevy of wonderful friends–even if we open our homes and smile at everyone and bake cookies (whoops, I forgot we were supposed to be avoiding sugar!!!)
Holding onto all of life with an open hand, ready both to give up things we want to hold on to *and* receive whatever God allows in our lives is really the only way to love the people around us well.
Is there someone you need to release from an expectation today? Resentment against things the Lord has allowed in your life? Maybe even something you need to forgive yourself for, because you’ve not met expectations you had for yourself?
Take a moment today to open your hands, friend.
About Sally Clarkson
Sweet Sally, you speak to my heart, and your words of grace fill the little cracks that form when life has handled me too roughly. Thanks for the reminder that my kids, my husband and I are all doing the best we can. Thankful, and with a full heart, off to bed. See you in the morning!
thank you so much for this, Sally. Wise words much needed from me today.
I truly LOVE this, yet am often left unsure in tough situations. Unsure how to balance choosing wise friends with loving well without expectations. How to balance being authentically honest when character is off and has hurt someone significantly with giving grace. I wrestle with this personally as well as with how to teach my children in these areas. Forgiveness is wonderful, yet do we then choose to invest in people who are choosing a different path? We will all make mistakes, yes, yet we can be drained by those who make consistent mistakes that hurt us. Tough to understand this, especially when the church has consistently taught to put yourself last. How do we love well when we put ourselves last?
Well said. It is a delicate balancing act that I don’t know if I straddle well, especially when it comes to guiding/correcting my oldest child who is about to graduate high school. Would love to delve more deeply into this topic.
Thank you for these words, Sally. My mom has been a working (and hard working, at that!) woman my entire life. Now that I’m a SAHM to 2 (soon to be 3), I desire so badly for her to know my needs and help me and walk this road with me. Consequently, when I’m overwhelmed and lonley, I find myself many times EXPECTING her to know my needs, to read my mind. The truth is, she has no idea what my life is like as a SAHM of little ones. Her life as a mom is completely different than my life now. I struggle to give her grace in this area because I hold her to such a high standard, but God is working on my heart. He’s whispering for me to give her grace, and reminding me that he freely gives it to me when I constantly fail his standard. Thank you for reminding me today to give her grace with an open heart. You are such a blessing to my life!
I really needed this today. Thank you!
Thank you, a timely word!
“Holding onto all of life with an open hand, ready both to give up things we want to hold on to *and* receive whatever God allows in our lives is really the only way to love the people around us well.” So wise, Sally. It’s the way of grace, to make us Christ-like – thank you for the reminder today.
“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God.” Psalm 62:5-7
God waits for us with open arms, ready to forgive and love us through all of our difficult trials.
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
I just read this yesterday and have been pondering it since that time. I just finished reading the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. What an eye opener it was!! It speaks to this on so many levels… Getting rid of expectations. I certainly wish it was something that I could just read and then *poof* all my expectations are completely gone. Vanished. But I realize that it takes practice!! Not dwelling on the yesterday so I can go through today without holding a grudge or taking up an offense that doesn’t belong to me because Jesus took all of that to the cross for me so I wouldn’t have to bear those types of burdens anymore. Especially if you live with those people and you have to see them every day! But I think one of my biggest problems are the expectations I put on myself to be perfect. Thankfully I don’t have to be, but that takes practice too. So many reminders from my Father that His Son is already perfect. Yes Sally, thank you so much for your constant care of all of our hearts. For what you do everyday of your life! Get up, pray for us, write a new blog, pray for us, care for your own family… the list goes on. I am ever grateful for you… Can’t wait to see you in NC.