As I think on the things which I hope my children will remember me by, and even more so what they will actually pass on to their children, there are a few core words that come to mind.  Many of them have been spoken of here so beautifully over the last month.  Yet, as I have read, I have come to ‘see’ more clearly the uniqueness I bring as Mama Bear to Josh, Jed, Abby & Lydia.  I see that although I didn’t set out to leave a legacy of awe of God’s greatness, His holy wonders on this earth, His artistic grandeur in creation and His faithful touches of himself, that is exactly what I am doing as I ‘do life’ along side my children.  

Last Sunday my youngest little girl turned three.  As her feet pitter pattered down the hallway early in the morning towards my chair in the den, I felt a lump in my throat.  Soft blond messy hair and unmatched PJ’s met my eyes and I ran to whisk her up in my love, whispering in her ear, “It’s your BIRTHDAY!”  She grinned and my heart leapt with thankfulness for this child. People say looks like me and my Mom says, she loves like me.  Where has the time gone?  A salty tear fell between our kisses that morning.  Our day was focused on celebrating her, affirming her place in our family, her favorite foods and giving gifts.  After church we drove deep into the forest up a windy curvy mountain to Lake Logan where we picnicked, chased butterflies, threw a softball, splashed in the lake and even rowed in a canoe.  Several hours of just being together with no real agenda.  Glorious! 

As I sat in the grass, exhaling, the children happily playing I ‘saw’ so clearly the legacy of awe and wonder of God that I have and am daily passing onto my children.  We are born worshipers.  We all worship something or someone.  I can see that in each stage of childrearing it is important that we as Mothers point our children to God again and again and again because “self” so easily tends to go toward me.  It is our fleshly, selfish nature.  Therefore, this time of putting my children in touch with this incredible world God made, with color galore, textures and taste and sounds that move the heart, is teaching them a deep reverence of their Maker.  It is telling them they are part of a larger story begun long before they were here.  It is showing them there truly is Someone greater to worship than themselves.  

Rachel Carson says it well, “If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.”

My oldest is now 10 and turning into a young man before my eyes. With this culture screaming “Me, me, me” and already I see him becoming self-aware and conscientious.   Consistent opportunities of gently taking his eyes off of himself and focus on a mammoth rock waterfall seems good for his soul.  This standing in awe of our great God who created such beauty, speaks of strength, and of courage to a young boy’s heart.

When I first saw this Mama bird at our house, I put down the plants I was working with, ran inside & said, “Come outside guys, hurry, you’re not going to believe this!”

Within minutes all my troops were beside me gazing at this beautiful bird sitting so still, doing what God made it to do.  Our world stopped for a bit that day as I drew my kids into an awe of birds and how they care for their young, make a nest, find shelter in storms and migrate.  Who knows how much they remembered from all that flowed out of my heart & mind that day, but I know these moments matter.  

Psalm 33:8 says it well, “Let all the earth fear the LORD; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.”

When a rainbow occurred on New Year’s Day this year, my husband had his camera, in two seconds and I had all the kids around me, “wowing” at the glory in a rainbow.  We stood in awe together.  It matters that we stop.  That I make a big deal of this God we worship.  I am passing on a legacy of how they will see the world.  As I look back on my 10 short years of motherhood, I revel over sunrises & sets, over the moon & sky.  The moom whispers of Father’s deep love for me and woos me like nothing else.   

I am reminded of God’s deep passionate love that is for and with me always through these colors and contrast, through this world of astronomy that I don’t totally understand yet, I am so thankful for.   And somehow as I bathe deeply in this love that God has for me, I am freed up to raise my kiddos in his love as well. 

On our way home from Lake Logan on Lydia’s 3rd birthday, we took the time to stop at an overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway.  Lydia nestled into me holding her new baby doll.  As I remember the scene, I am thankful beyond words to live in such a beautiful area, and that God has opened my eyes over the years to “see” the wonders of his great big world.  Interestingly enough, the beginnings of this ‘seeing’ came from my own parents who took me rafting and camping in my childhood.  So…the legacy continues! 

​On a morning when I cannot seem to wade through the clouds of pressing issues and decisions upon me, I announce to my crew, “Put on your keens & fill your water bottles ’cause we’re off to the forest to feed the fish.”

 Driving out of the driveway a bit of the heaviness lifts. I love the colorful home I’ve decorated, the yard we’ve planted,  the sandbox & play set we made, and most of all I love the five gifts of live souls dwelling in it with me, my husband included.

But some days, feeding my hungry crew one more meal, doing one more load of laundry, finding homes for the myriad of babydolls, legos, polly pockets and books that lie scattered makes me crazy, and overwhelmed, and frustrated. After all, I didn’t really know what I was signing up for when I became a mother…who does?

At the ripe age of 21, after getting married I was diagnosed with a disease called Multiple Sclerosis that was eating through my nerve coatings and could eventually take away my ability to walk, to use my arms, to see…in essence to live the full life I wanted to live.

​Once I regained my health through changing my diet, I emerged with a newfound understanding of what really mattered in my life…and what didn’t.  Priorities got shifted, life goals changed, dreams morphed from a hidden place within that I had never given time or space to emerge. 

Motherhood~  the creating a little person out of a deep love, the shaping of a soul,  nurturing a heart full of wonder, and in awe of God’s big world; the walking, talking,  being a family, the children growing to mature adults that would love and serve their Maker with their very lives- yes, this is a legacy I knew I wanted to create. Nursing school would have to wait. Pleasing others and having a job title that would give value in the eyes of my friends and family lost its appeal when faced with possibly not having the health for these deep rooted dreams.

​Fast forward a bit and now here I am living my dream….a handful of children, an acre of land to tend, chickens, bees, a bright warm nest of a home to dwell in and I am indeed blessed.

Yet…yet…today I only seem to “see” the messes, the yuck, the grime both in our home and in our hearts.  And tired of barking orders & being Mrs. Pouty Pants I set off for some beauty feasting, deep in the Pisgah National Forest at the Fish Hatchery.  Feasting on natures bounty has a way of refreshing my soul, bringing JOY to little hearts, slowing time and re-uniting. 

Sally Clarkson says it so well in her book The Mom Walk,

I need to remember that I am to lead my children in being a person who celebrates the joy of life.  I am to model what it looks like to enjoy God and His creation.  Often, in the midst of the duties of life, moms can easily become focused on the right things to do, correcting the immaturity of children, and inadvertently portraying God as a strict moral judge just waiting for them to fall short.  It is vital we realize we are a model of God to our children and we must take care that we present His light, beauty, humor, love, and joy.  I love this verse in Proverbs:  “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones”(Proverbs 17:22)

My girls squeal and fish splash their happy dance at being fed, and I remember that I am standing on holy ground in this calling of Motherhood- feeding my own fish that the Father has entrusted to my care this side of heaven.

And suddenly, with the fresh breezes of spring and pink blossoms flying through the air, the glorious task of motherhood seems too good to be true.  

What an honor to be the one to fill their hearts- boys and girls alike- with beauty, with nature, with yummy food and living books, with heroes and heroines, with snuggles in my bed and family game nights, with Easter egg hunts and rhythms to our days.  YES- this job of mothering, this shaping of souls, is civilizing the next generation! And who is going to watch over this process in my children more than me?  

So as they come back for more little pellets of food cupping their hands with sweet “pleases” I chuckle with awe that my Father in heaven has fed and is feeding me- His daughter who often feels inadequate and ill equipped for this task, who stumbles and falls and has to confess and repent.  And I in turn, am daily feeding my children whether I am aware of it or not.

​Oh, fellow sister, that we would embrace this calling of Motherhood and enjoy feeding the ones in our care!  That we would not chase after titles and value and ‘the wind’ and neglect the tending in our own homes.  Would you join me this week in watching over the diet we spread before our children?

After all, one day, they are going to have their own fishes and be fish feeders too.